Friday, January 22, 2010

Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf - 1/5

I never thought I would say this, but "Howling II: Your Sister Is A Werewolf" gives new meaning to the term 'werewolf bludgeoning midget'. I suppose not so much new meaning, as a meaning period. There are things in this world I never new existed until this movie. One of them being a werewolf bludgeoning midget. Oh, and this movie has plenty of other things I never thought I would see, but that's besides the point considering none of them actually made sense.

There are always sequels that don't match up to the original. "Howling II" is one that actually makes the first one worse by existing. Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself already. Let's start with the basics, shall we.

"Howling II" takes place fairly quickly after the first one. Ben White is attending his sister's funeral (his sister was the main character from the original whom unleashed her beast on live tv) where he meets Stephan (the glorious Christopher Lee) whom as it turns out is a calculated werewolf hunter out to find the queen of the werewolves Stirba (yes, that is the actual name) and put an end to this unholy chain of werewolves in our society. So the two (with another reporter named Jenny) find out that Stirba lives in Transylvania and head over there to march her out and kill everything furry.

So besides the fact that our main hero is the brother or Karen White from the original one, this pretty much has no connection to it. In fact, it almost changes the entire concept of the werewolves and how they work...and look...and act...shit, they pretty much fucked up the entire concept of the first one and what it was moving forward towards. In this one, the werewolves look like bigfoots and all they do is kill people and have orgies. Yeah, after the first half hour, "Howling II" turns into a random werewolf orgy with random nudity covered with fake hair. Hell, even the queen of the wolves Stirba somehow has magical powers like a howl that will blow out a midgets eyes and a random mummified bat scepter that kills people. Not to mention in this one, the wolves are...get this...IMMUNE TO SILVER. It takes Titanium to kill them. What the fuck?! And yet, Ben just blasts them with bullets and they go down. They didn't even follow their own stupid rules! AHHHHHH!

That's just the story we have already realized is a clusterfuck. The acting is awful and over the top - hell, even the great Christopher Lee couldn't save this sinking mess - and the script and dialogue is borderline anorexic. That is, it has no meat on the bones. The pacing is random and off setting and the directing seems like he was checking out by 10 minutes in. Even the opening font for the credits is bad.

Unless you love 80s New Wave music (of which they only play one song called "Howling" about a dozen times throughout - even the end credits where they just remix scenes from the movie to the song - including showing Stirba rip her shirt off like 30 times) then this is going to be a DO NOT SEE AT ANY COST. Unless you want a great laugh and to write a review like this. I'm actually looking forward to watching "Howling III: The Marsupials" after this. 

Written By Matt Reifschneider

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